Bravo Express Beeper

I had a $10 bill a month for service on it. It was simple as fuck, no options, no ringtones, no stupid ass apps. Just an easy ass beeper. A nutless monkey could figure this thing out. These were great. I had the bravo flex and the bravo express. Those were alright, but then I stepped my game up because the real hot shit to have at the time was the alphanumeric one. You could get regular text messages with it, not just numeric pages (a technological breakthrough in 1991). I found a place online where you could actually buy this pager: http://directpage.com/motorola-advisor-elite-flex-pager-wannual-service-plan-p-161.html

God only knows why anyone would buy one of these dinosaurs because you can actually get a cellphone now that does the exact same thing as a pager, except you can skip the paging process altogether and just call the motherfucker you wanna speak to (much more convenient).

Yeah, I think he’s a straight up nutjob. I like the movies he makes. Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction are great. Kill Bill 1 & 2 were the shit, but all that doesn’t mean that the guy behind the camera is Mr. Wonderful. Based on the shit floating around the net, you get the impression that he’s got an enormous ego and is generally a short tempered guy with douchebag tendencies. That’s all good though, he’s my type of guy. There’s a lot of videos and shit floating around on the internet about him. Here’s a few of my favorites.

I don’t blame him for getting pissed off, but the “What’s going on here” shit is lame. He should have just thrown his coffee at the guy and have done with it. I mean, go big or go home.

Did you watch this shit? I mean, he’s a hockey fan and a douche bag again. No, twelve year olds should not see KILL BILL you pompous dickhole. Still it’s fun to watch him abuse this fat bitch in the hat. She reminds me of this fat old lady who gave out carrots instead of candy on Halloween, not because it’s what her fat ass eats, but because she ate all the fuckin candy already. He looks and sounds like a dumbass though, between the hockey jersey and retarded shit he says. I LOVE IT! I wanna have this guy over for beers and listen to him rant about Jews and Mel Gibson and how great he is. Him and that gigantic fuckin head of his.

“That wasn’t the first time, I had to whoop his ass… whoop his ass… whoop his ass…”

Tom Slick, Vietnam Tom… whatever you wanna call him is a crazy vietnam vet who has been bombing the Bay Area for years. He’s an internet celebrity now with two Youtube Videos and an all around psycho who is prone to public bus beatdowns and ball park taserings. He’s a LEGEND!

Mike Tyson is a motherfuckin LEGEND!

GREAT MIKE TYSON QUOTES

1. “I just want to conquer people and their souls.”
2. “I have some pain I’m going to have for the rest of my life. So every now and then I kick your f*cking ass.”
3. “I’m on the Zoloft (an antidepressant) to keep from killing y’all.”
4. On Lennox Lewis – Lennox Lewis, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!
5. “My main objective is to be professional but to kill him.”
6. “I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children.”
7. “I’m the most brutal and ruthless conquerer there has ever been.”
8. On Razor Ruddock: “You’re sweet. I’m going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I’m gonna make you my girlfriend.”
9. On Tyrell Biggs: “He was screaming like my wife.”
10. “I paid a worker at New York’s zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin (his wife). When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback’s snotbox! He declined.”
11. “I try to catch [other boxers] on the tip of the nose, because i try to pust the bone into the brain.”
12. “I wish one of you guys (reporters) had kids so I could kick them in the f*cking head or something, or stomp on their testicles so you can feel my pain. Cuz thats the pain I have waking up everyday.
13. “They called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”
14. And finally to conclude why we would not want to get on Tyson’s bad side here is what he said to a reporter in the crowd who made a comment to him that he did not like: “White boy, f*ggot, you can’t touch me you’re not man enough, I eat your ass all alive, you b*tch, can’t anybody in here f*ck with this, this is the ultimate. F*ck you, you hoe. Come say it to my face, you b*tch. Come on you b*tch, you’re a scared coward, you’re not man enough to f*ck with me, you can’t last two minutes in my world b*tch. (At this point the reporter backs away deeper into the crowd) Look you scared now you hoe. Scared like the little (reference to skin color) b*tch. Scared of the real man! I’ll f*ck you till you love me.”

Benny was askin what was up with the roc files the other day. I’m assuming he meant the funny ass scenes from roc-a-scenes.com

http://roc-a-scenes.com/vol_1.php

For those uninitiated in the ways, these are skits where jay z pretty much shits all over cam and bleek and treats them like that little subservient bitch boys that they are (no homo). Here’s a sample below.

The Wash

Written by: 0-T on June 29^th, 2002

In the midst of the Nas/Jay rivalry, Suge sides with Nas. He heads to a club where Jay is expected to show, unbeknownst to Jay.

Dame: Ay, you feel like hittin up this club tonight?

Jay: Eh, I just went to the club last night… I got 2 interviews tomorrow.

Dame: You gettin old, man.

Jay: Nah, I just gotta make sure my interviews are hotta!

Dame: Aight, we’ll stay in. I’ll tell Bleek not to wash the 6.

Jay: …. nah, make him wash it anyway. He needs to earn his keep.

Dame: HOLLA!

Jay: *throws up the Roc*

—2 hours later @ the club—

Suge: That nigga Jay ain’t show cause I’m here!! He shook!!

Kurupt: May I go to the bathroom, sir?

Suge: Nigga, what did I tell you would happen if you let go of your Death Row chain one more time?

Kurupt: C’mon, I look stupid walking around holding a—

Suge: *looks at Kurupt*

Kurupt: *holds up chain* Death Row for Life.

Bleek gets State Property to help him wash Jay’s ride

Bleek: We gotta have this ride clean by 9 o’clock. Hand me the bucket, Lil’ Chris.

Sparks: For the last time, I’m Sparks! That’s Lil’ Chris over there.

Oskino: Nah nigga, I’m Oskino. Lil’ Chris is sleep.

Sparks: Oh, my bad.

Bleek: Damn, you niggas can’t even tell yourselves apart. How you expect me to?

Oskino: Nigga, we State Property. We sold more than both your albums combined.

Bleek: Bitch I told you, my street team fucked over me.

Sparks: Yeah, they shoulda put Jay-Z’s face on the cover of your samplers.

Bleek: WHAT?

Sparks: Nigga, how you gonna let Beans, Free, and Cam move ahead of you on a label you been down with since day one?

Bleek: BITCH, I’LL F–

Dame: hey, what’s all this noise out here? Less talkin, more cleaning.

Bleek, Sparks, and Oskino: Okay Dame.

Dame: Bleek, I told you to call me Mr. Dash.

Bleek: But they just called you–

Dame: State Property are assistant executives now. They can call me Dame.

Bleek: WHAT??? Nigga I–

Sparks: *snickers*

Bleek: SHUT UP OSKINO!

– Jay walks in and notices they accidentally scratched his ride –

Bleek: *Looks real nervous*

Jay: All I wanna know is who

Sparks: Bleek did it, Jay!

Bleek: BITCH! I didn’t even wash that side!

Jay: Bleek, what’d I tell you about my doors?

Bleek: I know… wax on, wax off *does Karate Kid motion* I was doin that

Jay: Then how’d this scratch get on my door, Bleek?

Bleek: C’mon Jay–

Jay: Mr. Carter.

Bleek: I’m sorry… Mr. Carter… as I said, I didn’t wash that side of the car.

Oskino: He lyin Jay! He did that whole side.. he wasn’t watchin what he was doin. I saw him when he scratched it!

Bleek: Nigga, if you was watchin what you was doin, how the fuck did you see when I scratched it?

Jay: So you did scratch it

Bleek: I mean.. no– I mean, he didn’t see me not scratch it… cause I didn’t.

Sparks: BUSTED!!

Bleek: Nigga, your grill is busted. FUCK YOU!

Jay: Bleek, you disappoint me.

Bleek: Aw c’mon Ja- Mr. Carter.

Jay: I ask you to do this one simple thing, and you can’t even do that right. I tried to give you an indoor job, and you fucked my carpet all up.

Bleek: Man, them corners is tricky!

Jay: Enough… give me the keys to your ride.

Bleek: But that’s mine! I had that before I even met you.

Jay: *reaches out hand*

Bleek: but.. but… you won’t even drive my car. What you need it for??

Jay: The keys, nigga.

Dame: HOLLA!

Bleek: *hands Jay-Z his car keys*

Jay: (looking at Oskino) Hey, Sparks

Oskino: Yes Jay?

Jay: Sparks, take the keys. *throws them to Oskino*

Oskino: I’m not old enough to drive yet.

Jay: No, I want you to drag the keys along the side of Bleek’s ride.

Bleek: Aw c’mon man. That’s my only ride man.

Dame: hehehe

So I know some crazy ass Puerto Ricans. My boy Elliot has a huge loud rican ass family. Whenever they get together it sounds like a fight because they’re so damn loud you swear that something is gonna pop off at any minute. Sometimes it actually does…

Today he sends me a cellphone video of his cousin catching some bitch stealing something out of her purse. Everybody is just standing around while the two of them square off. Actually it was more like his cousin cornering this chick and then delivering a series of jaw rocking uppercuts to her face.

Call me crazy, call me sentimental… call me a lowlife, but I love a good chick fight.

Really, who doesn’t? Anyone… anyone?

Known far and wide as “LIQUID CRACK” for it’s reputation for wreaking havoc on the mind, body and spirit. Kind of like cheap tequila, only 10 times worse. This shit tastes like wine mixed with ‘tussin and has a wig splitting effect not quite unlike low-grade cocaine. The label insists vehemently that the ingredients are merely “citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color”, but anyone who has downed one of these bad boys knows better.

The legend of Cisco dates back to ‘95… when a homeboy of mine named CJ first introduced me to this deadly brew. He warned me before hand letting me know that Cisco induced comas are common. Being a schoolyard veteran and 40 ounce afficionado I took his public service announcement with a grain of salt and proceeded to drink this shit like it was nothing.

First let me educate the uninitiated by telling you in no uncertain terms… this stuff tastes like Gargamels asshole. It’s a deadly brew not for the faint of heart. If you still have the stomach to drink this crap after the first sip you need your fuckin head examined. I have seen grown men reduced into gibbering drunken morons by this stuff. Dudes with PHD’s… it’s not to be fucked with i’m tellin you.

It lulls you into a false sense of security by making you think it’s just another cheap shitty wine, but approximately halfway through a bottle – you begin to feel like you drank 4 shots of cuervo back to back to back to back. Everyone who has ever tried this shit feels great at first and claims that “It’s not so bad, I actually kind of like it”. They all wind up singing a different tune a few minutes later… and by different tune, I mean the psychotic ramblings of a raging naked bum.